No thoughts within her head but thoughts of joy..

I never meant to leave, dear...

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 23:02:54 GMT

This past week hasn't been exactly gracious. I guess things aren't living up to my expectations because all I can think about is Saturday; but either way, things just aren't going well.
I didn't cry yesterday. I listened to "A Vespertine Haunting" and just wrote until my hand was throbbing - but I didn't shed a tear.
First, there was that guy Mikey. I didn't exactly get his hopes up. I kinda sat there and let him do his thing. I never corrected nor denied him, which probably did get his hopes up. When he dropped bomb number one, I just told him I wasn't looking for any relationship-related things anytime soon. My ex-boyfriend was about to leave for college. I wasn't ready for a guy.
Then, there was Jorge. He rushed into things. He dropped bomb number two on me early; and I guess I didn't exactly refuse. Well, I never said no, but I never said yes either. I guess I kinda just tolerated it without saying much. I hardly ever talked. Finally, I just got fed up and told him a relationship wasn't in my intentions and that he was being extremely too serious about this when I barely knew him. I told him I was just starting school and didn't have time for this "nonsense." Once again, I wasn't ready for a guy.
Then, there was RJ, who waited about a month before he dropped bomb number three. When he did, I was partially surprised. I interrogated him about it alot, and after he had given all of his explanations, I turned him down. I didn't see it there for me, and I didn't have time for it either. Again, I wasn't ready for a guy.
Then came Kevin, one of my old best friends. He recntly became single and confessed to having feelings for me since the beginning of our junior year. He got the worst share of mistranslated signals from me; but that's my fault. I led him on severely, and when I declined his invitation to homecoming, that's when I realized I'd done it again. I just declined his invitiation for no reason - just because homecoming "isn't me." I know the right and nice thing to do would be to go just for fun, just as friends, just to say I went my senior year... but I'm simply not motivated to do that. I told him my intentions weren't romance-related and sent him on his way. I'm still not ready.

As for DJ, I thought that was something. I guess it's stupid and ridiculous to ever consider a relationship with someone on the other side of the country, but I was really crazy about him. I somewhat believe the reason why I haven't been ready for any other guy is because I've been so hung up over him. But I know sooner or later I'll hurt him - maybe not in the same way I hurt the other guys I wrote about, but maybe by becoming overprotective to an unbearable extent. That would be even more ridiculous. I don't want to be jealous, but I am, no matter how much I try not to. So, I tell DJ maybe we shouldn't talk until I get all of this sorted out...
and the truth spills out.
Now, although I probably deserve it, I'm the one who looks like a moron for ever thinking there was something between us - when this whole time, he could've had someone else. He does have someone else. I'm not the girl he's dreaming about, but I guess I had it coming. Still, that doesn't make me feel any better and I'm left doubting myself even more. And unfortunately, I'm an 'all or nothing' person. It's either love or hate when it comes down to these situations; nothing in between. I can't just be his friend. I'd be too jealous now that I'm no longer the girl in his life. It'd simply be too painful... and I feel like I have to go to such drastic measures to where I have to be a bitch with him to prove it.

None of it should really matter, anyway. I don't want to get married, so why be in a relationship if it's not gonna evolve into something else? Boys are just stupid and a waste of time. I'm tired of fiddling with their feelings. I know I'm bitter; but I have two boys to blame that on.
This entry doesn't even make sense to me.

Good luck, DJ. I'm sorry for being a burden to you and wasting your time, and I'm sorry if I hurt you. But don't forget: I'm hurt too, and I wish you would've been honest with me sooner before I made a fool out of myself.
Nothing I write will really describe how I feel. I guess it's just too complicated. Listening to "A Vespertine Haunting" might help, though.

Desperately seeking help,
Laura

I promise I'll do anything you ask.. this time

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 00:55:22 GMT

"I've been waitingggg foooor a giiirl like yoouuuu"
;)

A woman is a mystery a man just can't understand

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 18:25:54 GMT

-I just stuffed my face with tamales
-The Astros are now in 2nd place in the NL Central, it's a beautiful sight
-I remembered I DO have homework, just some Comp I and Anatomy
-I've been selected as an 06-07 St. Mary's Youth Leader :)
-And Phoebe and Chelsea made it too :)
-Our first meeting is tonight, so I should do my homework now
-Harlingen South at Hanna: Thursday night
-I hate letting boys down because I'm so bitter with relationships; I know they deserve better and I wish I could warn them ahead of time so that they don't waste their time having feelings for me :(

The End.

[PS] Colt McCoy is incredible.

Game one and all the madness that went with it

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 20:06:50 GMT

This week went really well. I guess I'm finally used to school and all of it's strangeness. It's still strange in a few ways, but there's nothing I can do about it. I've gotten used to the fact that I can't say "there's always next year". I've gotten used to the fact that studying 3-4 hours a night is not an option. I've gotten used to the fact that I'm only gonna see him about twice a week [well more now, thanks to football games]. I've gotten used to the fact that almost all of my money is going to be wasted on food. Now that I've adjusted to those factors, life is good.
Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4:40 to get ready for the Friday Morning Pep Rally [sponsored by KRGV news channel 5 and McDonald's] and was out the door by 6. I arrived at McDonald's by 6:07 or so, and it was crazier than a concert. All of the radio stations were there blasting the normal hip hop music. The DJs were throwing pens, t-shirts, and Wild 104 cushions from the stage and yelling things I couldn't understand in the microphone. The St. Joe cheerleaders were amazingly awesome as usual, even if it was before sunrise. Most of the time they were cheering "SJA all the way" right into my ear, though. People were already sweaty, pushing and shoving everyone everywhere, and screaming at the top of their lungs. It was insanity. I'm a morning person and everything, but I didn't expect everyone else to be like that. There was a whipped cream fight onstage, too! Some girl from Pace threw a pie at Mo. That was quite a show :)
I was totally out of it all day yesterday. I think everyone was. I feel like I didn't get anything done in any of my classes because I was so excited about the game. I was draining out my teachers' monotone voices all day and just concentrating on offense and defense and what not. I guess I'm back in the valley high school football craze.
After school, Amanda and I were off to Alice for the game. We made one pit stop on the way, but despite that, it took over 2 hours to get there. We didn't get to the game 'til 7:50 or so. I was surprised that so many people from Hanna actually went. We had the win in our grasp, but we were unlucky in the end :( Well, it went alot better than I expected. The band was amazing as usual, so that kept Amanda and I dancing for awhile. We didn't do our filming and picturetaking 'til the 3rd quarter, and because of the poor security at Alice Stadium, we were able to get some pretty good footage, like this cool tackle Amanda got on film.
Alice - 22, Hanna - 12. I've seen worse. I'm very proud of them, though. We could've won. We really could've.
When I got home, I crashed immediately. I had almost a 22 hour day - and I feel sorry for the band kids who got home way later than I did.
Surprisingly, I have no homework this weekend...

UT and Ohio State tonighttt.

If you wanna take my body tonight, then you gotta be somebody tonight

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 21:14:08 GMT

I'm back. (And public!)
Since July 16, I had been neglecting this journal. All I remember is becoming uber-busy the next day with Ben's surprise party and trying to keep Amanda from losing her mind, and I guess since then, I just got too lazy to write. But, I promised I'd record all my senior year details on some sort of blog so I can look back and laugh in the future. And for that, I summon this journal yet again.
Well, senior year is... different. Strange. Abnormal. Not what I expected. Any of those descriptions work. I'm not saying I don't like it; I'm just saying it's taking some time to get adjusted to.
All the people that I'd see on a regular basis my first three years of high school, I don't see anymore. I have people in my classes that I haven't really spoken to since middle school. I have authority in Newspaper and am a bit overwhelmed on how to handle it. I'm not one of the baby youth leaders anymore. I'm associating with alot of new people, and I hardly ever see him anywhere.
I know I'll get used to it in time, but until then, it's just strange. I'm very much looking forward to football season, youth group, HOSA, our first newspaper issue - even though it might not be all that great because there's nothing to write about yet, traditional senior activities, and the rest of the first semester madness.
Right now, I'm studying for Anatomy and watching the Astros play the Phillies [in Philadelphia]. We're tied going into the top of the 9th. My sister came down for the weekend, but she left a few hours ago, ...and I think I'll go celebrate labor day now with a nice, soothing nap.
Hasta.